If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We left the knife in your bed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
