i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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