he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
