I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
