hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
