I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
