We're facebook friends in real life
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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