my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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