its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
