god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
