We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ttyl tear gas
Be still, my beating vagina.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
