I will die if light touches me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
