I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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