The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
