Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
