Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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