Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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