Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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