so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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