you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
