Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
