whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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