I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
