How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
