last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
