mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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