Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
