Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
