I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
