Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
