My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
