Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
