I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
