Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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