woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
