i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
two words: eviction party
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
