If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
