I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
