Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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