i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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