Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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