At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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