How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize