I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
