happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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