i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
