just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize