I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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