and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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