I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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