I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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