trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
