my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
