I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
